“Conflict is an inside-out process. On the path to possible, the work within – the work with ourselves – precedes the work between – the work with others.”
– William Ury
Many amazing teachers have shaped the way I facilitate high stakes meetings, but few have been more influential than William Ury. Over a decade ago, when I was writing Standing in the Fire: Leading High Heat Meetings with Clarity, Calm, and Courage, I summoned the nerve to call Professor Ury and request an interview. I remember anxiously sitting with him on his backyard deck in Boulder, just a mile from where I lived. During our conversation I was struck by the fact that he speaks just like he writes – with clarity, humility, and a deep sense of compassion for people who are struggling to be their best selves in extraordinarily difficult situations.
In Ury’s most recent book he recounts lessons learned from a career mediating civil wars, battling political and family disputes, facilitating union-management conflicts, and more. Many of us have read his best-selling negotiation books, Getting to Yes and Getting Past No. When you read Possible you’ll encounter many of the same stories BUT with new reflections and insights born from wisdom that only comes with time and distance.
The premise of Possible is that conflict makes us think small – to live within the problem. Ury believes that the secret to transforming the most intractable conflicts and taking on the biggest problems of our century is: instead of starting from the problem, start from possibilities. He argues that the path to possible is composed of three victories we must achieve along the way.
- Going to the Balcony: When the stakes are high and the conversation is not going well, it is easy to get caught up in our own self-protective reactions, including defensiveness, anger, and self-doubt. Going to the balcony means resourcing ourselves in ways that help us gain calm (“pause”), center ourselves in purpose (“zoom in”), and see the bigger picture (“zoom out”). Going to the balcony unlocks the potential within us. It focuses on I – the self.
- Building a Golden Bridge: In conflict people get stuck in past resentments, dig into their positions, and build walls. A Golden Bridge is an inviting way for parties to move beyond their positions and transform their relationships. Possibility gives us concrete strategies for listening deeply to the other side’s needs and dreams), creating options for mutual gain and making it attractive to walk toward each other. Building a golden bridge unlocks the potential between us. It focuses on you – the other.
- Activating the Third Side: When we get caught up in the heat of conflict it’s easy to adopt an “us versus them” mentality, expecting those around us to take sides ( “you’re either with us or against us”). To avoid escalation Ury suggests we mobilize a network of “outsiders” and “insiders” who have a stake in the conflict. When these people collaborate to generate ideas and use their influence, it’s often possible to prevent escalation and ultimately transform the conflict. Activating the third side unlocks the potential around us. It focuses on us – the community.
Ury writes: “To transform conflict successfully, we need to work skillfully on all three strands: I, You, and Us.”
After reading the book you may be inspired to become a possibilist. If you are, check out this website Side3 for resources, inspiration, and community.
Photo Credit: Justin Aikin on Unsplash