In a collection of Jewish teachings known as Midrash, the 4th century Rabbi Tanchuma is cited as saying:
“When you expect gratitude, you are making your kindness a business transaction.”
We all have a tendency to believe that each day we act with unconditional kindness and generosity. But the truth is, we spend a lot of time feeling hurt, resentful, even betrayed when others do not acknowledge our actions. Worse, we often expect reciprocity in the form of recognition and gratitude from people who have shown us they are incapable of providing it. Here’s the uncomfortable truth:
There are times when holding on to the expectation of reciprocity is a formula for disappointment.
Moreover, if our kindness is conditional, is it really kindness? I posed this question to one of my dearest colleagues and friends, Greg Burdulis, who lived as a Buddhist Monk in Burma for seven years. His response: “Acting ‘nice’ is different from kindness. Nice is transactional. Like patience, kindness is its own reward.” Greg’s wisdom made me wonder: What would it mean to commit to kindness for its own sake — no strings attached? What would it mean to trade in my motivating expectation of reciprocity for a motivation of personal integrity?
Recently, a leader with whom I work lamented: “I do so much behind the scenes and absolutely nobody notices or thanks me! I’m not sure why I’m even trying.” He may very well be right. Nobody noticed. Or if they did, they didn’t take the time to say, “thank you.” And for him, this reaction — or lack thereof — became an ongoing source of injury. The less he felt seen, the more he doubled down on his efforts. And the cycle of disappointment and resentment persisted. It’s not that his need was unreasonable. It’s just that in his organization this expectation was unrealistic.
It’s always very satisfying when we get what we need from others. But when we expect reciprocity or acknowledgment from people who are not capable of providing it, we place the power of our emotions in their hands. If they do not respond the way we hope, we feel let down. As the rabbi and the monk suggest, freedom from disappointment comes when we give and/or show kindness because it aligns with our values, not because we need a specific reaction. To liberate yourself from chronic disappointment, I suggest practicing the following:
- Notice secret expectations: When you feel disappointed in others’ responses ask yourself: Was I secretly expecting something in return?
- Affirm sufficiency in self: Pause at least once a day to remind yourself that what you may be seeking from others is already within you (e.g., feelings of worthiness or security).
- Double down on values: Clarify and commit to your purpose (e.g., What am I here to contribute to the world?) and core values (e.g., What principles will guide my choices and actions?).
- Reframe your intentions: Shift your inner dialogue from I sure hope they appreciate X to X is who I choose to be.
- Exercise your choices: When we are not getting foundational needs met and it becomes unsustainable, confront the situation with a clear request, or exit.
To be clear, letting go of certain expectations is not about learning to “go it alone” in the world. We need a healthy balance between relationships and self-reliance. The middle path involves giving freely but understanding that we cannot always expect reciprocity. It means seeking community but not relying on others to make us whole. It requires trusting others but recognizing everyone has limitations. We were meant to walk together. But to do so we must first learn to stand on our own two feet.
Image Credit: Carl Tronders on Unsplash