There is a problem with your team. It’s niceness. I’m not referring to treating people with civility and kindness. I’m referring to an inauthentic politeness that involves withholding important critical feedback and avoiding difficult conversations.
Niceness in the way I’ve defined it above gets in the way of your team’s learning, improving, and building true long-term cohesiveness. Niceness maintains blind spots, enables bad behavior and perpetuates poor performance. The opposite of being nice is not being mean. It’s being TRUE – true to yourself and your team. Being TRUE means that you are a consistently honest broker with those around you – even when it causes temporary discomfort in the recipient or within your team.
Teams often justify a culture of niceness saying, “we are committed to getting along with one another.” In this case, more often than not, the actual commitment is to staying comfortable – to not having to initiate or to hear anything that might elicit unease, embarrassment, or defensiveness.
Think about the culture of your team along four dimensions using the acronym TRUE.
T – Truthful
Team members are honest and complete in sharing information with one another, especially relative to uncomfortable topics.
R – Receptive
Team members actively seek out and are genuinely open to what others think and say. They are not defensive when receiving critical feedback.
U – Undaunted
Team members communicate with courage and authenticity. They are willing to express their needs and emotions, to challenge others, and speak a difficult truth to help others.
E – Empathetic
Team members show consideration for and seek to understand others’ feelings. They care about and actively support one another’s personal well-being and professional growth.
Keeping TRUE in mind, ask yourself: In what ways does “niceness” perpetuate blind spots and undermine learning on the teams you’ve observed?
So important and easily misunderstood!
Thanks Edwin. True — people often avoid confrontation thinking “It’s not what a good person do — cause others suffering.” I challenge my clients to ask themselves: Is it being a good person to keep important information from a colleague — to perpetuate his or her blind spot through your silence?
Great advice, Larry. The specificity of this framework here is so helpful.
Thanks Johanna. It’s a framework I’ve been working on for about a year and have been using with clients for much longer. Also developing what I call the TRUEteam Pulse survey to help teams regularly assess the state of candor within the team culture. Future blogs in the coming months will explore each dimension of the TRUEteam model.
good article!
Thank you Gary. Subsequent blogs this month will expand on this theme. – L
Brilliant, Larry! I think this concept is certainly helpful in business relationships, and also in personal partnerships and with parenting. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you Katherine Ann. I agree that the framework is useful in every aspect of life. They say we teach what we are still trying to learn and I am definitely on this learner’s path with all my readers!
Love this. I’d also add that an ability to listen to someone else’s truth, even if you don’t see things the same way, is also important. In my experience, people forget that many things can be true at the same time. Also, if people work in an environment where they feel they can’t tell the truth and be their authentic selves, it will actually cost the business. Not to mention that it creates relationships and a culture that no one can believe in.
Maren – It’s a pleasure to have your voice in this conversation. Your point about listening anticipates next week’s blog called “courageous listening,” a skill I view as essential to building a culture of candor. Also taking this opportunity to recommend to my readers a remarkable book related to this topic called Authentic Conversations by Jamie Showkeir, a book that came into being in no small part due to your efforts.
Larry, So true and I need help with the specific language. I’d love language that fosters a collaborative exploration. Specifically, what are the words to use that get the dynamic to be a joint effort to find truth. I know my language now is often off-putting and jarring. I am reading “Thinking in Bets” and “Thanks for Arguing” now. The authors and you emphasize the importance of rhetoric in fostering collaboration within families, communities, and our great nation. Keep going! – Greg
Thank you Greg. I am going to look at the books you mentioned. I think that in these difficult conversations there is also something that transcends the rhetorical skills people possess. It’s a spirit of empathy and compassion with one another when we are being our less-than-perfect selves in the way we communicate. Stay tuned for the blog on that topic in September!
Once, one of my mentor and corporate trainer introduced me “3 conditions to be an adult,” and they were:
1. Life is complex.
2. It is not all about me.
3. There are times you have to say what you have to say.
Simple, but for all these years they seem ever truer.
Thank you Kaoru. These three conditions are so elegant and useful. I know readers will appreciate. Aregato!